[It's a little painful, to see how startled Lalli is when he says that he loves him and is proud of him. It's something Onni had always thought was clear to Lalli, and yet here they are, when he says it out loud, Lalli stares at him as if he's grown a second head.
But before he can address that, Lalli is talking again, telling him the other things Reynir had said, and that he hadn't meant for it to be like that. An expression of naked confusion crosses Onni's face and he blinks a few times.]
We already talked about that.
[Apparently it bears repeating, because Lalli looks completely wrecked, sitting down with his hands over his face and breathing in that way, like he's crying.]
I already forgave you, Lalli. It's not...
[Halfway through trying to say 'it's not bothering me anymore,' Onni finds he can't. The fact is, he wants it to not be bothering him, and it isn't Lalli's actions that are bothering him, but he is still bothered. Still napping in the daytime and eating more than he should and waking up with tears on his face. He knows these symptoms, because they've been a constant, to varying degrees, throughout his life.]
I forgave you. I know you didn't mean it to be like that.
[He pulls his hands from his face to curl them around his knees instead, still staring at nothing. He's quiet for a few moments, bracing himself, but the curse won't let him put it off any longer than that.]
I told Reynir that he's a stranger and he's not part of our family.
[It sounds cruel and awful to his ears now. It did at the time, too, but something about acknowledging it after the fact puts a cold lump in his stomach.]
I didn't want to, but it's like I couldn't stop myself. That's when he said all of that, and...
[He leans forward to press his eyes into his knees miserably again.]
I didn't know he helped you so much. When... when I left.
[It comes out in a sort of flat tone - he isn't angry, there's no blame, but the truth is that it was very, very bad. When Lalli tells him what he'd said to Reynir, Onni winces slightly, looking away from Lalli as if he could hide his reaction.]
He isn't part of our family, but he isn't a stranger.
[Pausing just for a moment, he breathes, eyes sinking half-shut. His body language isn't as closed off as Lalli's but there's an element of fear to it, his shoulders tense and his hands against the wall behind him, as if he could push away from it and run.]
I went to him. After I talked to you and that woman. I didn't have anyone else to go to, and I couldn't stay alone like usual. The thoughts were too bad, I couldn't survive it alone.
[His throat is tight, suddenly, and he feels a sort of panic clawing in his chest.]
[Onni looks everywhere but Lalli, unable to make himself look at his cousin's face. This is something very private, a painful, shameful vulnerability he's never admitted out loud, not even to himself, let alone someone else. Especially someone he's still caring for, who needs him to be stable and secure.
Swallowing hard, he lets his eyes sink half shut, cheeks burning, and his fingers fidget against the wall. When he speaks again, his voice is tight with tension, barely above a whisper.]
For a few minutes, I wanted to go to sleep in Tuonela with Tuuri and mom and dad, and everyone else. I can't be alone, Lalli, I can't...
[Exhaling in a shuddering huff, he shakes his head.]
Only for a few minutes. I didn't tell Reynir that, but he helped.
[Lalli feels, suddenly, very dizzy. He sways on his feet (he doesn't remember standing up).]
No.
[Onni's face in front of him is blurry. There's noise in his ears (the rush of his own pulse) and his hands are already coming up to press over them. His breath sounds strange, hitching and stuttering.]
No, no, no no no no.
[Onni had wanted to die because of what Lalli did. He thought about it. Onni could have been dead right now, and it would have been Lalli's fault.
(His breath catches in his throat. He can't get air in. His legs feel like jelly.)
Onni could have been gone and it would be only Lalli left, all by himself in a world that doesn't make sense, and it would have been his fault. It's always his fault, over and over again, people dying because he failed, and this time it would have been Onni. And Onni is standing there, swimming in Lalli's vision, and he's insisting that it doesn't matter anymore when it does, the sheer scope of how much it matters is suddenly the only thing he can think about, like a black hole swallowing all his other thoughts, that Lalli could be in a world without Onni and it would be his fault.]
You can't, you can't, you can't, you c-can't--
[Onni could have died because of him. Onni could have died because of him. Onni could have died because of him.]
[Almost immediately, Lalli's distress completely drowns out Onni's shame and the feeling of mixed guilt and relief he'd been feeling at telling someone he'd thought that, even just for a moment. He hadn't anticipated how deeply his momentary thoughts that had quickly passed would affect his cousin, but Lalli is jumping to his feet, swaying, saying 'no' over and over and lifting his hands to his ears, self-protective.
Pushing away from the wall, Onni crosses over to him, carefully closes his hands against Lalli's too-thin shoulders, and squeezes gently, carefully, trying to ground him and give him some sense of safety.]
Lalli, Lalli, breathe. It's okay. Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. It was only a few moments, it's gone now, it's...
[His voice cuts off because the depression and self-hatred that Reynir had pointed out are both still there. He can say honestly that he's not thinking like that anymore, he hasn't thought like that since he had his last conversation like this with Lalli. That's something he can safely and honestly say, at least.]
It only happened because I thought...you were sick and I hurt you and you didn't want me around. Now I know you need me, because we talked, and I won't leave again.
[It takes several moments, but his breathing slows. It's still shaky and heightened, but he's less in danger of hyperventilating. He focuses on the feeling of Onni's hands on his shoulders, proof that he is here and solid and real.
Eventually, finally, he looks up to meet Onni's eyes.]
You wanted to... because of me.
[Despite all Onni has tried to convince him otherwise, he has never felt as much of a detriment to Onni as this moment.]
I don't want you to die. I don't care if you're around or not or, or if you have to leave, or whatever. I just don't want you to die.
[It comes out firm and vehement, but without any vitriol, there's no command in it. He keeps his hands firm on Lalli's shoulders, since it seems to be helping, since he's breathing a little more evenly, actually taking breath in. When he looks up at Onni, and says that Onni wanted to die because of him, he shakes his head again.]
No, Lalli, not because of you. Because of me. Because when I talked to her, the way she was talking...it sounded like I hurt you, when you were sick and vulnerable. I pushed you down and held your legs and when I woke up you were gone and I thought I hurt you badly enough to make you hate me. That's why.
[Lalli says he doesn't want him to die, doesn't care what he does, he just doesn't want him to die. Onni shakes his head, swallowing hard.]
I don't want to die. It was only a thought I had for a moment, and I didn't have any intention of...of doing anything to make it happen. I just couldn't be alone.
[His voice breaks off for a moment, and he takes a shaky breath.]
I'm sorry, Lalli. I'm sorry that I made everything harder for you, for so long.
[If he sounds confused, that's because he is. Honestly, he doesn't remember a lot of what Onni is referencing. He remembers being upset by something, and struggling, and Onni sounding distressed and worried. He remembers feeling guilty for constantly causing so much trouble.
And the idea that Onni could ever be an impediment to him is ridiculous.]
And none of that would have happened if I hadn't left. I shouldn't have done that.
[When Lalli disagrees with him, sounding confused, as if the idea of Onni making his life more difficult is completely out of left field, Onni glances up at his cousin again, searches his face. They're both being honest right now, he can tell that much, and saying things they wouldn't normally say.
It's painful, it's a little humiliating, but it's also a relief. Both to say the things that have been weighing on him and to hear what Lalli is thinking.]
You were sick, you were delirious and not thinking clearly. That kind of thing happens, it's not your fault, Lalli. I forgave you.
[His eyes are wet, but he blinks it back, swallows thickly.]
I told you...when I came to get you, I told you that back when we came to Keuruu, they asked if I wanted to let you go to a family who would take care of you.
[At that, his gaze drops, and he tugs at the cuff of his shirt, his breath hitching.]
Do you think I should have? Maybe you could have felt loved, then. Maybe then you would have known how important you are. Maybe they wouldn't have shouted at you or commanded you to do things.
[Lifting his hand, he rubs at his face, and then his voice falls, barely above a whisper.]
But I love you and I wanted to keep you. It was selfish.
[Lalli's gaze drops and his brow furrows, as if he's seriously considering this. He is. Even he can tell that this is a precarious moment, that they are both treading blindly onto thin ice. He doesn't know what he can say to make the situation right.
The decision is out of his hands, however, because he can only answer honestly.]
I don't know.
[He winces as soon as he says it. That's not what he means.]
Maybe it would have been better, but I don't think so. Nobody else ever tries to explain things, except for you. They just think I'm stupid.
[He fidgets with the bottom of his coat, embarrassed. He isn't sure he's expressing himself properly. What he means is: Onni is the only one who's ever been patient with him in a way that matters. He can't imagine how being raised by anyone else could possibly be better.]
I don't wish you had given me up or anything. I... would rather be with you than someone else.
[When Lalli says that he doesn't know, Onni feels his gut drop and he looks away from his cousin, his eyes burning. That's what sticks in his head, even as Lalli says that maybe it would have been better but that he doesn't think so, that Onni tries to explain things instead of just thinking he's stupid.
The moment those words come out, there's a reaction like a reflex.]
You're not stupid. You just think differently than other people.
[It probably sounds bad, he thinks, but there's no intention to offend. Onni is aware that he thinks differently than other people, himself, even if it's a little less obvious and more situational in him than it is in Lalli.
When Lalli says he doesn't wish he'd been given up, that he would rather be with Onni than someone else, a bit of the tension in his gut and chest eases up, and he exhales.]
I didn't want to give you up, I wanted you with me. You were so little and so different, and you lost your mother and father and grandma and everyone else. I wanted you and Tuuri both to be as safe and happy as you could be. But I didn't know what I was doing and had no one to ask, so I did everything wrong. I wasn't careful enough with you and made you feel like a burden and I sheltered her too much and made her want to run away from me. I didn't mean to do that.
[His fists clench at his sides, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment.]
Reynir said I should tell you when I think about loving you or being proud of you, because it's important for you to know. I'm sorry that I'm 28 now and it's been 12 years and I didn't work that out on my own.
[Now that he's calmed down some, now that he's processing, Lalli feels like he can finally see what's really going on here. That he and Onni are in more similar situations than he ever realized--both wrapped too much in their own guilt to see how much they're still hurting each other. If Lalli won't let accept Onni's forgiveness, and Onni won't accept Lalli's forgiveness, and their guilt keeps feeding into each other, then who's flying the plane?]
I don't think it was that bad. If I'd had to take care of you instead, I probably would have been really terrible at it. [Lalli might have a bit of an ego about the things he's good at, but he knows what he isn't good at, too, and being nurturing is definitely one of them.] And so would Tuuri. And you had to deal with the same stuff we did. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about.
[But Lalli knows Onni, and he knows that won't be enough.]
But you're going to feel bad about it anyway, so... I forgive you. For whatever you think you did wrong. If I have to stop feeling guilty for stuff I did and for hurting you on accident, then so do you.
[Then Lalli looks at the ground, looks at the ground, and takes a deep breath.
He's always known, in a dim sort of way, that Onni loves him. He must, because family loves each other and because he'd stayed through all the trials Lalli had put him through. It's different to hear it out loud, though--different to hear Onni say he's proud of him, something he doesn't remember anyone ever telling him before--and the warmth that blooms in his chest when he hears it is... strange, a little uncomfortable, but not unwelcome.
Lalli thinks Onni might need it too, maybe it will help him thaw. He looks up to meet Onni's gaze directly.
He'd thought it might be hard for him to say, but it spills out of him with hardly any effort. Because it is, after all, the truth.]
[There is so much going on in Onni's mind, and he's pretty sure that the only reason he's not spilling it all out is because the words for it aren't there. It's a tangled mess of love and fear and guilt and relief.
Lalli doesn't seem to be having as hard a time with wording what he's thinking as Onni is, though, for once, so Onni is quiet and listens to his cousin as he explains how he feels about how Onni had cared for him. That he doesn't think it was that bad, that he and Tuuri would've done terribly if they were in his place. That he had the same things to deal with as they had - that hits home, and he feels a tight pang of pain and relief and confusion when Lalli says it. It isn't often that Onni thinks of himself back then as a child. That past version of himself is one he frequently berates and thinks poorly of, for being old enough to do what needed to be done but too weak to do it the right way, with courage and fortitude and strength.
Back then, no one had acted like he was young, let alone a child who'd just lost his parents and extended family and the rest of his village, everyone he'd grown up knowing, and so he'd treated himself the way everyone else had. He'd grown up and taken responsibility, moved directly from a boy with a family to an adult making his own money and looking out for two children.
There's a certain sense of gratitude to Lalli for excusing him like that - Onni still believes he should have known better, should have done better, and he holds himself responsible still. But Lalli says that he forgives him for anything he might have done wrong, and says that if he has to stop feeling guilty then Onni does too, and Onni exhales a soft breath that's almost but not quite a laugh.]
I can try.
[His voice is a little choked and he still can't quite bring himself to look at Lalli. At least until Lalli says he loves him. Just like that.
It feels like someone has pulled the ground out from under him, there's a swooping sensation in his chest and his heart is pounding, he lifts his head and stares at Lalli for a moment, wide-eyed. With a pang, he remembers the easy way Tuuri had always said she loved him, realizes that he hasn't heard those words since the last time she'd said it on the radio out in the Silent World, said that she loved him and would see him in summer. The grief hits him like a brick at the same time as he feels a rush of affection and gratitude for Lalli, for Lalli saying that.
When he speaks again, his voice is tight and his eyes are wet and red-rimmed.]
[Lalli ducks his head again, because the only one who could have said that to Onni is... him, and he's never said it to Onni before, not even once. It just isn't something they do, aside from Tuuri. Lalli can't remember anyone saying it to him since his mother.]
Sorry. Um.
[Just like that, he's self-conscious again. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say. Onni crying at the slightest provocation isn't new to him, but it never stops being a little uncomfortable when it's his doing.]
[It's strange, to realize that he hasn't heard it in so long, and how it had affected him. A moment after that, he thinks about how long it must have been since Lalli heard something like that, and feels a pang of guilt again. Swallows it down.
Shaking his head, he lifts his eyes, looking at Lalli again as he apologizes.]
Don't apologize. It isn't as if I said it to you either.
[Swallowing hard, he rubs his hand over his face again, and when Lalli says he'll say it more often like that - 'I guess' - he makes a soft 'mm' in his throat.]
Only say it if you're feeling that way.
[A pause, and then he continues.]
I talked to Reynir about how you felt, when we talked before. That you didn't think I loved you. He said I should tell you more often, whenever I think of it. He said I should ask you to say it to me more often because I need to hear it too. I wasn't sure if you would want to, or if you felt that way about me after the way I treated you.
[A pause, and he takes a sharp little breath.]
I thought it might make you uncomfortable if I started doing that, so he said that I should maybe tell you that I was going to do that, so you would know why and it wouldn't be weird.
[Another pause, and he rubs his hand over his face again.]
If you want to say it more, I would like to hear it. But don't say it if you're not thinking it already? You don't have to...you're not obligated to love me.
I wouldn't have said if I didn't mean it. [Which is true. He doesn't need the curse's help not to lie, only to say what he wouldn't normally say.
Such as:] And I didn't think that you didn't, just that... it was Tuuri you felt responsible for, and I just happened to be there too, I guess. I know better now. I think. Sorry I--
[No, they both need to stop apologizing. Not to mention, this is entirely too much talking about feelings at once for the both of them.] Um. Never mind. I don't mean sorry. And I don't think I mind it. It's just different.
[It comes out almost at the same time that Lalli cuts off his apology, and despite everything, Onni smiles, just slightly. Glancing downward, he takes a deep breath and then exhales it, trying to get his emotions in order, regain his composure.]
[Lalli looks down as well, suddenly self-conscious about the whole situation. This has been entirely too much emotions for one evening.]
Mm-hmm.
[Despite all that, though, there's a strange feeling of relief. It really feels as if they've come to an understanding they hadn't had before, and maybe now things will be better.
A comfortable silence stretches for a moment, and maybe it's that comfort, that sense of stability that makes the words spill out of Lalli's mouth. Like he can't just allow himself to have this, or maybe now that things with Onni have settled the next most significant anxiety can take the stage.]
Reynir also said that he wanted to be my friend and I hurt his feelings.
[The words ring in the space between him, Lalli still looking at the ground, as if he can hardly believe he said them. But he did. Uncertainly, he looks up to meet Onni's gaze.]
[Onni can feel it too, that feeling of relief at having sorted out some of the things they've left unsaid, even if it was...a difficult conversation, to say the least. It's also a relief that it's over, too, in a way, though he can still feel the effects of whatever it is that's making him say the truth.
But even though he can still feel it, there's a sort of comfort in not saying anything and not feeling the urge to actually speak, because there's nothing left that needs to be said. It seems, though, that Lalli isn't done speaking. After he finishes, Onni's brows furrow slightly, and he rubs his hand over his face, thinking.]
I know that's true. That he wants to be your friend, and that you've hurt him.
[When Lalli looks up at him, Onni meets his gaze for a moment and then shrugs. There's no judgement or anger on his face, or even really irritation.]
I would like it if you would get along with him. But you're not obligated.
[Something in Onni's nonchalance sets him off. Like this whole situation is a simple fact of the universe that everyone understands and accepts and has forever, except for him.]
I didn't know he wanted to be my friend, I just thought he was being annoying. How was I supposed to know? Nobody ever cares what I think of them.
[Except for Emil, but Emil is different in a way Lalli doesn't know how to articulate and he doesn't want to try. Emil is the exception that proves the rule. Lalli isn't someone people want to be friends with. That's just how it is, and how it's always been. He doesn't know why and he doesn't want to know why.
[Onni tilts his head slightly as Lalli protests that he hadn't known Reynir wanted to be friends with him and that no one ever cares what he thinks of them. Onni isn't completely sure that that's actually the case, but it is true that if anyone had wanted to be friends with Lalli, he'd probably never noticed.
Just like in this case.]
That's okay.
[His brows furrow just a tiny bit while he tries to think of what to say, what it is that Lalli needs from him right now. What kind of advice he can give. He's not good at making friends either.]
People don't always understand each other right away, and he forgives people easily. Do you want to be friends with him?
[It comes out of his mouth because it is the truth, and Lalli's face scrunches with frustration as he realizes it. He doesn't know. He has no idea what he wants, and he's starting to realize that's the case for everything.]
He's--he's dumb, he doesn't know anything, and he doesn't know when to stop talking, he's useless and his stupid hair gets everywhere, and--
[The longer he talks, the more Lalli's hands come to cover his face, until he's mumbling into his own palms in confusion.]
He--he helped you when I was--when I hurt you and--no one ever wants to be my friend.
[The last part is said with with a note of disbelief bordering on awe, from years of existing on the fringes of the social world everyone else takes for granted. From being an outsider for so long that believing it to be your natural place becomes a conviction. The idea that someone would want to know him is so alien as to be incomprehensible, and Emil is stupid for defying it, and so is Reynir. There is no way Lalli could somehow run into two anomalies at the same time. The odds are ridiculous.]
[While Lalli gets out all the thoughts on his mind, Onni keeps quiet and listens to what he's saying, lets him get it out. It isn't often that Lalli opens up like this and talks about this kind of thing, and he doesn't intend to interrupt him or miss any of it. It's important to know what's on Lalli's mind, that much has become very obvious recently.
While he can't entirely agree with everything Lalli says about Reynir, he can understand where some of it comes from. He's about to agree that Reynir talks a lot and his hair gets everywhere (Onni has cleaned it from the drain in the bathroom a lot, after all) when Lalli blurts out that he'd helped when Onni was hurt and that no one ever wants to be his friend.
At that, Onni can't help the way his face softens a little, and he glances down.]
I can see why he would annoy you, but he means well.
[It doesn't come out as intended, even though it is genuine and honest, and Onni shakes his head, his face scrunching up slightly as he considers how to word what he's thinking.]
That's true, most of it. Reynir has annoyed you, but he's also very kind. I can see why you're feeling confused about it. Do you know what part of it bothers you so much?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But before he can address that, Lalli is talking again, telling him the other things Reynir had said, and that he hadn't meant for it to be like that. An expression of naked confusion crosses Onni's face and he blinks a few times.]
We already talked about that.
[Apparently it bears repeating, because Lalli looks completely wrecked, sitting down with his hands over his face and breathing in that way, like he's crying.]
I already forgave you, Lalli. It's not...
[Halfway through trying to say 'it's not bothering me anymore,' Onni finds he can't. The fact is, he wants it to not be bothering him, and it isn't Lalli's actions that are bothering him, but he is still bothered. Still napping in the daytime and eating more than he should and waking up with tears on his face. He knows these symptoms, because they've been a constant, to varying degrees, throughout his life.]
I forgave you. I know you didn't mean it to be like that.
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[He pulls his hands from his face to curl them around his knees instead, still staring at nothing. He's quiet for a few moments, bracing himself, but the curse won't let him put it off any longer than that.]
I told Reynir that he's a stranger and he's not part of our family.
[It sounds cruel and awful to his ears now. It did at the time, too, but something about acknowledging it after the fact puts a cold lump in his stomach.]
I didn't want to, but it's like I couldn't stop myself. That's when he said all of that, and...
[He leans forward to press his eyes into his knees miserably again.]
I didn't know he helped you so much. When... when I left.
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[It comes out in a sort of flat tone - he isn't angry, there's no blame, but the truth is that it was very, very bad. When Lalli tells him what he'd said to Reynir, Onni winces slightly, looking away from Lalli as if he could hide his reaction.]
He isn't part of our family, but he isn't a stranger.
[Pausing just for a moment, he breathes, eyes sinking half-shut. His body language isn't as closed off as Lalli's but there's an element of fear to it, his shoulders tense and his hands against the wall behind him, as if he could push away from it and run.]
I went to him. After I talked to you and that woman. I didn't have anyone else to go to, and I couldn't stay alone like usual. The thoughts were too bad, I couldn't survive it alone.
[His throat is tight, suddenly, and he feels a sort of panic clawing in his chest.]
Ah. I'm like that too. Can't stop myself.
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[Lalli's head snaps up immediately, staring at Onni with open horror.]
What does that mean?
[Hot pinpricks of fear crawl over his skin like ants. It can't mean what he thinks it means.]
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Swallowing hard, he lets his eyes sink half shut, cheeks burning, and his fingers fidget against the wall. When he speaks again, his voice is tight with tension, barely above a whisper.]
For a few minutes, I wanted to go to sleep in Tuonela with Tuuri and mom and dad, and everyone else. I can't be alone, Lalli, I can't...
[Exhaling in a shuddering huff, he shakes his head.]
Only for a few minutes. I didn't tell Reynir that, but he helped.
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No.
[Onni's face in front of him is blurry. There's noise in his ears (the rush of his own pulse) and his hands are already coming up to press over them. His breath sounds strange, hitching and stuttering.]
No, no, no no no no.
[Onni had wanted to die because of what Lalli did. He thought about it. Onni could have been dead right now, and it would have been Lalli's fault.
(His breath catches in his throat. He can't get air in. His legs feel like jelly.)
Onni could have been gone and it would be only Lalli left, all by himself in a world that doesn't make sense, and it would have been his fault. It's always his fault, over and over again, people dying because he failed, and this time it would have been Onni. And Onni is standing there, swimming in Lalli's vision, and he's insisting that it doesn't matter anymore when it does, the sheer scope of how much it matters is suddenly the only thing he can think about, like a black hole swallowing all his other thoughts, that Lalli could be in a world without Onni and it would be his fault.]
You can't, you can't, you can't, you c-can't--
[Onni could have died because of him. Onni could have died because of him. Onni could have died because of him.]
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Pushing away from the wall, Onni crosses over to him, carefully closes his hands against Lalli's too-thin shoulders, and squeezes gently, carefully, trying to ground him and give him some sense of safety.]
Lalli, Lalli, breathe. It's okay. Nothing happened. Nothing is going to happen. It was only a few moments, it's gone now, it's...
[His voice cuts off because the depression and self-hatred that Reynir had pointed out are both still there. He can say honestly that he's not thinking like that anymore, he hasn't thought like that since he had his last conversation like this with Lalli. That's something he can safely and honestly say, at least.]
It only happened because I thought...you were sick and I hurt you and you didn't want me around. Now I know you need me, because we talked, and I won't leave again.
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[It takes several moments, but his breathing slows. It's still shaky and heightened, but he's less in danger of hyperventilating. He focuses on the feeling of Onni's hands on his shoulders, proof that he is here and solid and real.
Eventually, finally, he looks up to meet Onni's eyes.]
You wanted to... because of me.
[Despite all Onni has tried to convince him otherwise, he has never felt as much of a detriment to Onni as this moment.]
I don't want you to die. I don't care if you're around or not or, or if you have to leave, or whatever. I just don't want you to die.
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[It comes out firm and vehement, but without any vitriol, there's no command in it. He keeps his hands firm on Lalli's shoulders, since it seems to be helping, since he's breathing a little more evenly, actually taking breath in. When he looks up at Onni, and says that Onni wanted to die because of him, he shakes his head again.]
No, Lalli, not because of you. Because of me. Because when I talked to her, the way she was talking...it sounded like I hurt you, when you were sick and vulnerable. I pushed you down and held your legs and when I woke up you were gone and I thought I hurt you badly enough to make you hate me. That's why.
[Lalli says he doesn't want him to die, doesn't care what he does, he just doesn't want him to die. Onni shakes his head, swallowing hard.]
I don't want to die. It was only a thought I had for a moment, and I didn't have any intention of...of doing anything to make it happen. I just couldn't be alone.
[His voice breaks off for a moment, and he takes a shaky breath.]
I'm sorry, Lalli. I'm sorry that I made everything harder for you, for so long.
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[If he sounds confused, that's because he is. Honestly, he doesn't remember a lot of what Onni is referencing. He remembers being upset by something, and struggling, and Onni sounding distressed and worried. He remembers feeling guilty for constantly causing so much trouble.
And the idea that Onni could ever be an impediment to him is ridiculous.]
And none of that would have happened if I hadn't left. I shouldn't have done that.
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It's painful, it's a little humiliating, but it's also a relief. Both to say the things that have been weighing on him and to hear what Lalli is thinking.]
You were sick, you were delirious and not thinking clearly. That kind of thing happens, it's not your fault, Lalli. I forgave you.
[His eyes are wet, but he blinks it back, swallows thickly.]
I told you...when I came to get you, I told you that back when we came to Keuruu, they asked if I wanted to let you go to a family who would take care of you.
[At that, his gaze drops, and he tugs at the cuff of his shirt, his breath hitching.]
Do you think I should have? Maybe you could have felt loved, then. Maybe then you would have known how important you are. Maybe they wouldn't have shouted at you or commanded you to do things.
[Lifting his hand, he rubs at his face, and then his voice falls, barely above a whisper.]
But I love you and I wanted to keep you. It was selfish.
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The decision is out of his hands, however, because he can only answer honestly.]
I don't know.
[He winces as soon as he says it. That's not what he means.]
Maybe it would have been better, but I don't think so. Nobody else ever tries to explain things, except for you. They just think I'm stupid.
[He fidgets with the bottom of his coat, embarrassed. He isn't sure he's expressing himself properly. What he means is: Onni is the only one who's ever been patient with him in a way that matters. He can't imagine how being raised by anyone else could possibly be better.]
I don't wish you had given me up or anything. I... would rather be with you than someone else.
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The moment those words come out, there's a reaction like a reflex.]
You're not stupid. You just think differently than other people.
[It probably sounds bad, he thinks, but there's no intention to offend. Onni is aware that he thinks differently than other people, himself, even if it's a little less obvious and more situational in him than it is in Lalli.
When Lalli says he doesn't wish he'd been given up, that he would rather be with Onni than someone else, a bit of the tension in his gut and chest eases up, and he exhales.]
I didn't want to give you up, I wanted you with me. You were so little and so different, and you lost your mother and father and grandma and everyone else. I wanted you and Tuuri both to be as safe and happy as you could be. But I didn't know what I was doing and had no one to ask, so I did everything wrong. I wasn't careful enough with you and made you feel like a burden and I sheltered her too much and made her want to run away from me. I didn't mean to do that.
[His fists clench at his sides, and he squeezes his eyes shut for a moment.]
Reynir said I should tell you when I think about loving you or being proud of you, because it's important for you to know. I'm sorry that I'm 28 now and it's been 12 years and I didn't work that out on my own.
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[Now that he's calmed down some, now that he's processing, Lalli feels like he can finally see what's really going on here. That he and Onni are in more similar situations than he ever realized--both wrapped too much in their own guilt to see how much they're still hurting each other. If Lalli won't let accept Onni's forgiveness, and Onni won't accept Lalli's forgiveness, and their guilt keeps feeding into each other, then who's flying the plane?]
I don't think it was that bad. If I'd had to take care of you instead, I probably would have been really terrible at it. [Lalli might have a bit of an ego about the things he's good at, but he knows what he isn't good at, too, and being nurturing is definitely one of them.] And so would Tuuri. And you had to deal with the same stuff we did. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about.
[But Lalli knows Onni, and he knows that won't be enough.]
But you're going to feel bad about it anyway, so... I forgive you. For whatever you think you did wrong. If I have to stop feeling guilty for stuff I did and for hurting you on accident, then so do you.
[Then Lalli looks at the ground, looks at the ground, and takes a deep breath.
He's always known, in a dim sort of way, that Onni loves him. He must, because family loves each other and because he'd stayed through all the trials Lalli had put him through. It's different to hear it out loud, though--different to hear Onni say he's proud of him, something he doesn't remember anyone ever telling him before--and the warmth that blooms in his chest when he hears it is... strange, a little uncomfortable, but not unwelcome.
Lalli thinks Onni might need it too, maybe it will help him thaw. He looks up to meet Onni's gaze directly.
He'd thought it might be hard for him to say, but it spills out of him with hardly any effort. Because it is, after all, the truth.]
I love you, too.
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Lalli doesn't seem to be having as hard a time with wording what he's thinking as Onni is, though, for once, so Onni is quiet and listens to his cousin as he explains how he feels about how Onni had cared for him. That he doesn't think it was that bad, that he and Tuuri would've done terribly if they were in his place. That he had the same things to deal with as they had - that hits home, and he feels a tight pang of pain and relief and confusion when Lalli says it. It isn't often that Onni thinks of himself back then as a child. That past version of himself is one he frequently berates and thinks poorly of, for being old enough to do what needed to be done but too weak to do it the right way, with courage and fortitude and strength.
Back then, no one had acted like he was young, let alone a child who'd just lost his parents and extended family and the rest of his village, everyone he'd grown up knowing, and so he'd treated himself the way everyone else had. He'd grown up and taken responsibility, moved directly from a boy with a family to an adult making his own money and looking out for two children.
There's a certain sense of gratitude to Lalli for excusing him like that - Onni still believes he should have known better, should have done better, and he holds himself responsible still. But Lalli says that he forgives him for anything he might have done wrong, and says that if he has to stop feeling guilty then Onni does too, and Onni exhales a soft breath that's almost but not quite a laugh.]
I can try.
[His voice is a little choked and he still can't quite bring himself to look at Lalli. At least until Lalli says he loves him. Just like that.
It feels like someone has pulled the ground out from under him, there's a swooping sensation in his chest and his heart is pounding, he lifts his head and stares at Lalli for a moment, wide-eyed. With a pang, he remembers the easy way Tuuri had always said she loved him, realizes that he hasn't heard those words since the last time she'd said it on the radio out in the Silent World, said that she loved him and would see him in summer. The grief hits him like a brick at the same time as he feels a rush of affection and gratitude for Lalli, for Lalli saying that.
When he speaks again, his voice is tight and his eyes are wet and red-rimmed.]
No one has said they loved me since Tuuri died.
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Sorry. Um.
[Just like that, he's self-conscious again. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say. Onni crying at the slightest provocation isn't new to him, but it never stops being a little uncomfortable when it's his doing.]
I'll... say it more often, I guess?
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Shaking his head, he lifts his eyes, looking at Lalli again as he apologizes.]
Don't apologize. It isn't as if I said it to you either.
[Swallowing hard, he rubs his hand over his face again, and when Lalli says he'll say it more often like that - 'I guess' - he makes a soft 'mm' in his throat.]
Only say it if you're feeling that way.
[A pause, and then he continues.]
I talked to Reynir about how you felt, when we talked before. That you didn't think I loved you. He said I should tell you more often, whenever I think of it. He said I should ask you to say it to me more often because I need to hear it too. I wasn't sure if you would want to, or if you felt that way about me after the way I treated you.
[A pause, and he takes a sharp little breath.]
I thought it might make you uncomfortable if I started doing that, so he said that I should maybe tell you that I was going to do that, so you would know why and it wouldn't be weird.
[Another pause, and he rubs his hand over his face again.]
If you want to say it more, I would like to hear it. But don't say it if you're not thinking it already? You don't have to...you're not obligated to love me.
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Such as:] And I didn't think that you didn't, just that... it was Tuuri you felt responsible for, and I just happened to be there too, I guess. I know better now. I think. Sorry I--
[No, they both need to stop apologizing. Not to mention, this is entirely too much talking about feelings at once for the both of them.] Um. Never mind. I don't mean sorry. And I don't think I mind it. It's just different.
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[It comes out almost at the same time that Lalli cuts off his apology, and despite everything, Onni smiles, just slightly. Glancing downward, he takes a deep breath and then exhales it, trying to get his emotions in order, regain his composure.]
You were always important to me.
[Another careful exhalation, and then-]
We can both do our best to get used to it, then.
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Mm-hmm.
[Despite all that, though, there's a strange feeling of relief. It really feels as if they've come to an understanding they hadn't had before, and maybe now things will be better.
A comfortable silence stretches for a moment, and maybe it's that comfort, that sense of stability that makes the words spill out of Lalli's mouth. Like he can't just allow himself to have this, or maybe now that things with Onni have settled the next most significant anxiety can take the stage.]
Reynir also said that he wanted to be my friend and I hurt his feelings.
[The words ring in the space between him, Lalli still looking at the ground, as if he can hardly believe he said them. But he did. Uncertainly, he looks up to meet Onni's gaze.]
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But even though he can still feel it, there's a sort of comfort in not saying anything and not feeling the urge to actually speak, because there's nothing left that needs to be said. It seems, though, that Lalli isn't done speaking. After he finishes, Onni's brows furrow slightly, and he rubs his hand over his face, thinking.]
I know that's true. That he wants to be your friend, and that you've hurt him.
[When Lalli looks up at him, Onni meets his gaze for a moment and then shrugs. There's no judgement or anger on his face, or even really irritation.]
I would like it if you would get along with him. But you're not obligated.
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I didn't know he wanted to be my friend, I just thought he was being annoying. How was I supposed to know? Nobody ever cares what I think of them.
[Except for Emil, but Emil is different in a way Lalli doesn't know how to articulate and he doesn't want to try. Emil is the exception that proves the rule. Lalli isn't someone people want to be friends with. That's just how it is, and how it's always been. He doesn't know why and he doesn't want to know why.
This doesn't compute, and it bothers him.]
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Just like in this case.]
That's okay.
[His brows furrow just a tiny bit while he tries to think of what to say, what it is that Lalli needs from him right now. What kind of advice he can give. He's not good at making friends either.]
People don't always understand each other right away, and he forgives people easily. Do you want to be friends with him?
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I don't know.
[It comes out of his mouth because it is the truth, and Lalli's face scrunches with frustration as he realizes it. He doesn't know. He has no idea what he wants, and he's starting to realize that's the case for everything.]
He's--he's dumb, he doesn't know anything, and he doesn't know when to stop talking, he's useless and his stupid hair gets everywhere, and--
[The longer he talks, the more Lalli's hands come to cover his face, until he's mumbling into his own palms in confusion.]
He--he helped you when I was--when I hurt you and--no one ever wants to be my friend.
[The last part is said with with a note of disbelief bordering on awe, from years of existing on the fringes of the social world everyone else takes for granted. From being an outsider for so long that believing it to be your natural place becomes a conviction. The idea that someone would want to know him is so alien as to be incomprehensible, and Emil is stupid for defying it, and so is Reynir. There is no way Lalli could somehow run into two anomalies at the same time. The odds are ridiculous.]
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While he can't entirely agree with everything Lalli says about Reynir, he can understand where some of it comes from. He's about to agree that Reynir talks a lot and his hair gets everywhere (Onni has cleaned it from the drain in the bathroom a lot, after all) when Lalli blurts out that he'd helped when Onni was hurt and that no one ever wants to be his friend.
At that, Onni can't help the way his face softens a little, and he glances down.]
I can see why he would annoy you, but he means well.
[It doesn't come out as intended, even though it is genuine and honest, and Onni shakes his head, his face scrunching up slightly as he considers how to word what he's thinking.]
That's true, most of it. Reynir has annoyed you, but he's also very kind. I can see why you're feeling confused about it. Do you know what part of it bothers you so much?
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cw: mild suicidal ideation
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