[ A day and a half or so after Onni's network post, once everything has calmed down: ]
Hey sorry if this is coming way too late but did you ever find your cousin?
[ Ben had been busy dealing with some family drama of his own, what with the robots locking Allison up in the medbay and needing to bust her out, and he'd only just now seen that urgent message from his strange magic quiet library friend. He hadn't seen any kind of all-clear and he needs to know if the search is still going. ]
[The text is a little surprising, though it shouldn't be. Ben has always been observant, conscientious, and kind. The question still leaves him breathless, just for a moment, the emotions still raw.]
I did, but not without some difficulty. It was a complicated situation.
Really? See, that kind of surprises me. I can't even imagine what non-complicated would feel like But I come from sort of a strange family situation so I guess that tracks.
What changed recently?
Hey that's cool. But if you do come down on the wanting to talk about it side, I've got some experience with emotional. See above.
We were miscommunicating about something I thought was okay but actually wasn't. It is very complicated.
What is your family situation, if it's okay to ask.
The change is that he made his feelings clear to me. It's hard for us, neither of us had the luxury of being emotional while we grew up, so we aren't good at it.
That does sound complicated. Communication is fucking difficult. Thinking something's okay and only finding out afterwards that you were wrong or missing something is rough, dude. Sorry to hear that.
It's okay to ask. Just a little hard for me to summarize. (Communicating isn't my strong suit either) I've got six siblings but none of us are related by blood. We were all adopted by the same man who raised us without a lot of contact with the outside world, and our upbringing was sort of majorly fucked up. We're all complete messes just each in our own way none of us learned any healthy ways to deal with conflict.
So: a real powder keg.
I feel that. That's something I'm not good at, too, and trying to get better. At least in theory. Though for me it's less the being emotional and more the... not bottling it up.
[There's a short pause while Onni thinks about it, and reads over what Ben's complicated situation is. It sounds complicated. It sounds like maybe Ben might be able to understand some of what it is with him and Lalli that's so difficult, that's so complicated.
Especially when Ben says that it's difficult for him to not bottle up his emotions.]
I suppose it's similar for me. I don't like to admit it, but I can be pretty emotional. Where I come from, my mage abilities make me very vulnerable to danger if I don't guard myself thoroughly enough. Both Lalli and I are mages, so we were taught to keep those soft parts of ourselves behind mental walls.
I didn't think I needed to tell him that I love him, I thought it was obvious. Apparently it wasn't, and he thought he was doing me a favor by leaving, so I didn't have to take care of him. He didn't know that I want to take care of him.
My sister died recently. When I woke up and he was gone, and all I had was someone's word that he was alright, without any proof, I panicked.
If there's anything I've learned lately it's that nothing is as obvious as we assume.
I'm sorry about all the mage emotion stuff. I don't really get how magic works but compartmentalizing like that really isn't good for people. Especially not if you've been doing it for a super long time.
And I'm sorry to hear about your sister, too. Grief's a total bitch. If you ever need somebody to talk to about it... None of my siblings have died. But my brother went missing, when we were thirteen. Just vanished. And I died, and I watched what it did to my siblings, and I couldn't do anything to help them. So I guess what I'm saying is I'm here if you need to talk about death without worrying you're being depressing or too much.
Plus I know what it's like, being terrified for your family and feeling helpless and wanting proof they are okay. I've been there. A lot. I'm really glad you found your cousin and he's alright.
Onni! You know that other mage I was telling you about a few days ago. I was talking to him and he says he's got this plant he grows and it makes it so he doesn't hear spirits. I told him I wanted to try it and see what impact it has on us.
I figured it was worth investigating and he swears it isn't dangerous if we take it in the right dose. He showed me how to bake it into brownies and I have some now. And I want us to eat them together. As an experiment.
No, of course not. But this isn't me being impulsive, Onni. I've really thought about it. What if we could figure out how this plant works and bring it back with us somehow? Think how it would change mage's lives, to be able to just - get some quiet, when they really need it.
A lot of other people responded to what he posted and they had all heard of this stuff. None of them were reacting like it was dangerous.
And besides that's why I'm asking you to do this with me. If anything goes wrong we'll have each other there.
Can you tell me more about it? You said other people mentioned it and had heard of it, did they say anything else about it?
It would make a difference, I think, if it works that way. But I don't want something that will be more dangerous than the voices are in the first place.
Yeah, I was really confused for a minute or two there because of the name.
They said it makes you want to eat snacks. And watch dumb movies? Not sure if that last part was serious or not. People mostly seemed to be asking if he was intending to share.
No, I agree. That is why I wanted to test it. So we can know for certain what it does. And this seems like a safe enough place to try it. There are no immediate threats. There is a medbay.
I guess if you don't want to, I can try on my own.
So people wanted this plant from him? Did any of them say why? From what I gather, seeing and hearing the spirits isn't exactly common elsewhere. Why else would they want it?
That aside, you're not trying it alone. You're right that this place is one of the safest to try something like that. We should try it in the apartment, though. Your runes add an extra layer of protection and I'd like to have that if I'm not able to hear things approaching.
Apparently it makes you feel nice in general? Someone mentioned it being medicinal, too.
Perfect! I can start getting it set up. I have the brownies and the instructions on how much to eat. I'll get some other snacks as well and water to have around. I can even ask a friend to check in on us in a few hours to make sure we're okay.
[ Genji is gonna be getting a weird text today! ]
And I will take Anne and Kisa to stay with Kieran while we do this. How soon can you be home?
[It takes a while after his conversation with Reynir for Lalli to make his way to Onni's door. It's not a conscious decision of his; it simply happens that, after enough distressed wandering around with his brain feeling like cotton, he finds himself there without any input in front of his brain.
He almost turns and leaves as soon as he realizes where he is. But he's trying something new--he's trying to talk, even when it's hard. Even when he'd rather do anything else. Not talking has only ever caused problems, so clearly that means it's worth trying a different approach. At least once. Lalli doesn't even know what it is he's feeling except that he's upset; if nothing else maybe talking with Onni can help him figure out how and why.
It still takes him a moment to muster the courage, but he does. He connects his forehead with the door with a light thump and scratches at it--quietly, hesitantly, but still audible.
[Onni had been hit with the gas himself, but as soon as he realized what the effect was, he'd immediately gone back to his room and lay down to take a nap and sleep it off. Best dealt with while no one else is around that he can embarrass himself in front of, and besides that, sleeping seems to have been the thing that comes easiest to him lately. So when Lalli bumps the door and then starts scratching at it, Onni is sleeping lightly.
Still, that familiar sound could wake him out of a coma, and he rolls over in his bed, making a low groan in his throat. Pushes himself upright and scuffs a hand through his hair before standing up and crossing the room unsteadily, pulling the door open.
What harm is there in talking to Lalli while he's like this? They don't keep secrets from each other and, he thinks, they've already discussed everything they've been holding back.]
Mm. Lalli. Is everything okay?
[He doesn't quite realize that he looks a bit like a mess in the same clothes he went to sleep in last night, his hair sticking up in every direction, and his eyes slightly red-rimmed.]
[Onni might look like a mess, but so does Lalli--not the kind that comes from just waking up but he's clearly distressed and agitated. There's a brief moment where Lalli feels guilty about clearly interrupting Onni's sleep, but it barely has a chance to register before Lalli blurts out.
Because no, everything is not okay, and Lalli has no idea why he can't keep it to himself anymore and Onni is the only one he can go to for advice.]
Everything I do is wrong and I don't know how to stop.
[There's much, much more he could say, but that's the crux of what's bothering him--this sudden feeling that he's floundering, that everything he thought he understood he doesn't anymore, and he doesn't know where to go.]
[It's easy to tell that Lalli is distressed...it's bothersome that he's been so distressed so consistently lately, Onni feels guilty for it, knows that at least half of it, probably more, is his fault. Feels worried because Lalli is still recovering from his fever and working himself into this kind of state isn't good for him.
When Lalli blurts that bit out, Onni's brows furrow and he bites his lip.
Normally, Onni is an honest person who speaks his mind comfortably, but there are things he holds back and keeps to himself, either because he thinks they're stupid, pointless, or because speaking them would do more harm than good. Whatever inhibition is holding some of those things back seems to be gone now, but he feels alright replying to this statement, he thinks.]
Not everything you do is wrong.
[It's cautious, and he steps aside to let Lalli come into the bedroom, closes the door behind him.]
[He's upset enough that he doesn't even respond to that loaded little statement.
Usually when he's faced with a conversation he doesn't want to have, he'll put it off as much as possible, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. Now, though, whatever stupid curse this is doesn't seem to let him beat around the bush, so his thoughts come as soon as he has them.]
I know. [And that's still a strange thing to know.] Reynir is. And I think he's right, and I didn't mean to, but all I do is mess things up and I don't know what to do.
[Which is about as clear as mud, but Lalli has a lot of feelings to try and articulate.]
[There's no one alive who doesn't do something wrong, sometimes, and both of them know that neither of them is the best at communicating or sparing other people's feelings, not even each other's.
It's a little surprising to hear that Reynir is mad at Lalli, and for a few moments it doesn't make any sense at all, not even when Lalli says that Reynir is saying he messes things up, that all he does is mess things up. After a bout of intense confusion because that sounds strangely cruel for something Reynir said, because Reynir has always done his best to build people up, Onni is taken aback, feels a little surge of protectiveness for his cousin.]
He said that? That all you do is mess things up? That isn't true, though. You and I already talked about that. I was the one who messed things up in that situation, by not telling you I loved you or was proud of you when I was thinking it all the time.
[A slight wince, because he didn't mean to say that out loud, and yet he doesn't take it back because he does mean it. And because even if it's difficult, it's something he knows he should say now.]
[The admission startles Lalli long enough for him to trail off, staring openly at Onni. The reminder of what Reynir had told--how destroyed Onni had been when Lalli had left--makes fresh guilt curl in his stomach. There's no time to process, though, because his mouth keeps right on going.]
N... No. [His voice is markedly more subdued and unsure, though. Without even meaning to, he backs up against the wall and slides down to curl up with his face in his hands. He feels like he can't even look at Onni right now.]
He said that I'm selfish and I don't appreciate you and I must not want you to be happy with how I keep acting and I don't... I didn't...
[He pauses to take a quick, shuddering breath. He isn't crying, but he feels just as raw.]
I didn't know it was that bad, I didn't mean for it to be like that, but it was anyway, I keep messing up.
[And then, quietly, miserably:] I don't know what to do.
[It's a little painful, to see how startled Lalli is when he says that he loves him and is proud of him. It's something Onni had always thought was clear to Lalli, and yet here they are, when he says it out loud, Lalli stares at him as if he's grown a second head.
But before he can address that, Lalli is talking again, telling him the other things Reynir had said, and that he hadn't meant for it to be like that. An expression of naked confusion crosses Onni's face and he blinks a few times.]
We already talked about that.
[Apparently it bears repeating, because Lalli looks completely wrecked, sitting down with his hands over his face and breathing in that way, like he's crying.]
I already forgave you, Lalli. It's not...
[Halfway through trying to say 'it's not bothering me anymore,' Onni finds he can't. The fact is, he wants it to not be bothering him, and it isn't Lalli's actions that are bothering him, but he is still bothered. Still napping in the daytime and eating more than he should and waking up with tears on his face. He knows these symptoms, because they've been a constant, to varying degrees, throughout his life.]
I forgave you. I know you didn't mean it to be like that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@lazarus | text
Hey sorry if this is coming way too late but did you ever find your cousin?
[ Ben had been busy dealing with some family drama of his own, what with the robots locking Allison up in the medbay and needing to bust her out, and he'd only just now seen that urgent message from his strange magic quiet library friend. He hadn't seen any kind of all-clear and he needs to know if the search is still going. ]
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I did, but not without some difficulty. It was a complicated situation.
[To put it lightly.]
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Glad to hear you got him back safe though.
[ Then, after a short pause: ]
Is it the kind of complicated you want to talk about or the opposite kind?
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Thanks.
I don't know.
It was very emotional.
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See, that kind of surprises me.
I can't even imagine what non-complicated would feel like
But I come from sort of a strange family situation so I guess that tracks.
What changed recently?
Hey that's cool.
But if you do come down on the wanting to talk about it side, I've got some experience with emotional.
See above.
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What is your family situation, if it's okay to ask.
The change is that he made his feelings clear to me. It's hard for us, neither of us had the luxury of being emotional while we grew up, so we aren't good at it.
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Communication is fucking difficult.
Thinking something's okay and only finding out afterwards that you were wrong or missing something is rough, dude. Sorry to hear that.
It's okay to ask. Just a little hard for me to summarize.
(Communicating isn't my strong suit either)
I've got six siblings but none of us are related by blood. We were all adopted by the same man who raised us without a lot of contact with the outside world, and our upbringing was sort of majorly fucked up. We're all complete messes just each in our own way none of us learned any healthy ways to deal with conflict.
So: a real powder keg.
I feel that. That's something I'm not good at, too, and trying to get better.
At least in theory.
Though for me it's less the being emotional and more the... not bottling it up.
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[There's a short pause while Onni thinks about it, and reads over what Ben's complicated situation is. It sounds complicated. It sounds like maybe Ben might be able to understand some of what it is with him and Lalli that's so difficult, that's so complicated.
Especially when Ben says that it's difficult for him to not bottle up his emotions.]
I suppose it's similar for me. I don't like to admit it, but I can be pretty emotional. Where I come from, my mage abilities make me very vulnerable to danger if I don't guard myself thoroughly enough. Both Lalli and I are mages, so we were taught to keep those soft parts of ourselves behind mental walls.
I didn't think I needed to tell him that I love him, I thought it was obvious. Apparently it wasn't, and he thought he was doing me a favor by leaving, so I didn't have to take care of him. He didn't know that I want to take care of him.
My sister died recently. When I woke up and he was gone, and all I had was someone's word that he was alright, without any proof, I panicked.
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I'm sorry about all the mage emotion stuff. I don't really get how magic works but compartmentalizing like that really isn't good for people.
Especially not if you've been doing it for a super long time.
And I'm sorry to hear about your sister, too.
Grief's a total bitch. If you ever need somebody to talk to about it...
None of my siblings have died. But my brother went missing, when we were thirteen. Just vanished.
And I died, and I watched what it did to my siblings, and I couldn't do anything to help them.
So I guess what I'm saying is I'm here if you need to talk about death without worrying you're being depressing or too much.
Plus I know what it's like, being terrified for your family and feeling helpless and wanting proof they are okay.
I've been there. A lot.
I'm really glad you found your cousin and he's alright.
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@mage | text
You know that other mage I was telling you about a few days ago.
I was talking to him and he says he's got this plant he grows and it makes it so he doesn't hear spirits.
I told him I wanted to try it and see what impact it has on us.
I figured it was worth investigating and he swears it isn't dangerous if we take it in the right dose.
He showed me how to bake it into brownies and I have some now.
And I want us to eat them together. As an experiment.
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Are you sure we should just try something a stranger told you about?
[Even if brownies sound very good right now.]
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[ Nailed it. ]
No, of course not.
But this isn't me being impulsive, Onni. I've really thought about it.
What if we could figure out how this plant works and bring it back with us somehow?
Think how it would change mage's lives, to be able to just - get some quiet, when they really need it.
A lot of other people responded to what he posted and they had all heard of this stuff.
None of them were reacting like it was dangerous.
And besides that's why I'm asking you to do this with me.
If anything goes wrong we'll have each other there.
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Can you tell me more about it? You said other people mentioned it and had heard of it, did they say anything else about it?
It would make a difference, I think, if it works that way. But I don't want something that will be more dangerous than the voices are in the first place.
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They said it makes you want to eat snacks. And watch dumb movies?
Not sure if that last part was serious or not.
People mostly seemed to be asking if he was intending to share.
No, I agree.
That is why I wanted to test it. So we can know for certain what it does.
And this seems like a safe enough place to try it. There are no immediate threats. There is a medbay.
I guess if you don't want to, I can try on my own.
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That aside, you're not trying it alone. You're right that this place is one of the safest to try something like that. We should try it in the apartment, though. Your runes add an extra layer of protection and I'd like to have that if I'm not able to hear things approaching.
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Someone mentioned it being medicinal, too.
Perfect! I can start getting it set up.
I have the brownies and the instructions on how much to eat.
I'll get some other snacks as well and water to have around.
I can even ask a friend to check in on us in a few hours to make sure we're okay.
[ Genji is gonna be getting a weird text today! ]
And I will take Anne and Kisa to stay with Kieran while we do this.
How soon can you be home?
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Okay. I'll be home in about 20 minutes. I'm just finishing up some of those cinnamon buns you like, they can cool while we're trying it.
Alright. It shouldn't be a problem if you put those precautions in place. I'll see you soon. Is there anything you need from the kitchen?
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truth gas
He almost turns and leaves as soon as he realizes where he is. But he's trying something new--he's trying to talk, even when it's hard. Even when he'd rather do anything else. Not talking has only ever caused problems, so clearly that means it's worth trying a different approach. At least once. Lalli doesn't even know what it is he's feeling except that he's upset; if nothing else maybe talking with Onni can help him figure out how and why.
It still takes him a moment to muster the courage, but he does. He connects his forehead with the door with a light thump and scratches at it--quietly, hesitantly, but still audible.
He can only hope Onni is in.]
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Still, that familiar sound could wake him out of a coma, and he rolls over in his bed, making a low groan in his throat. Pushes himself upright and scuffs a hand through his hair before standing up and crossing the room unsteadily, pulling the door open.
What harm is there in talking to Lalli while he's like this? They don't keep secrets from each other and, he thinks, they've already discussed everything they've been holding back.]
Mm. Lalli. Is everything okay?
[He doesn't quite realize that he looks a bit like a mess in the same clothes he went to sleep in last night, his hair sticking up in every direction, and his eyes slightly red-rimmed.]
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Because no, everything is not okay, and Lalli has no idea why he can't keep it to himself anymore and Onni is the only one he can go to for advice.]
Everything I do is wrong and I don't know how to stop.
[There's much, much more he could say, but that's the crux of what's bothering him--this sudden feeling that he's floundering, that everything he thought he understood he doesn't anymore, and he doesn't know where to go.]
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When Lalli blurts that bit out, Onni's brows furrow and he bites his lip.
Normally, Onni is an honest person who speaks his mind comfortably, but there are things he holds back and keeps to himself, either because he thinks they're stupid, pointless, or because speaking them would do more harm than good. Whatever inhibition is holding some of those things back seems to be gone now, but he feels alright replying to this statement, he thinks.]
Not everything you do is wrong.
[It's cautious, and he steps aside to let Lalli come into the bedroom, closes the door behind him.]
I'm not mad at you, if you're worried about that.
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Usually when he's faced with a conversation he doesn't want to have, he'll put it off as much as possible, fidgeting and avoiding eye contact. Now, though, whatever stupid curse this is doesn't seem to let him beat around the bush, so his thoughts come as soon as he has them.]
I know. [And that's still a strange thing to know.] Reynir is. And I think he's right, and I didn't mean to, but all I do is mess things up and I don't know what to do.
[Which is about as clear as mud, but Lalli has a lot of feelings to try and articulate.]
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It's a little surprising to hear that Reynir is mad at Lalli, and for a few moments it doesn't make any sense at all, not even when Lalli says that Reynir is saying he messes things up, that all he does is mess things up. After a bout of intense confusion because that sounds strangely cruel for something Reynir said, because Reynir has always done his best to build people up, Onni is taken aback, feels a little surge of protectiveness for his cousin.]
He said that? That all you do is mess things up? That isn't true, though. You and I already talked about that. I was the one who messed things up in that situation, by not telling you I loved you or was proud of you when I was thinking it all the time.
[A slight wince, because he didn't mean to say that out loud, and yet he doesn't take it back because he does mean it. And because even if it's difficult, it's something he knows he should say now.]
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N... No. [His voice is markedly more subdued and unsure, though. Without even meaning to, he backs up against the wall and slides down to curl up with his face in his hands. He feels like he can't even look at Onni right now.]
He said that I'm selfish and I don't appreciate you and I must not want you to be happy with how I keep acting and I don't... I didn't...
[He pauses to take a quick, shuddering breath. He isn't crying, but he feels just as raw.]
I didn't know it was that bad, I didn't mean for it to be like that, but it was anyway, I keep messing up.
[And then, quietly, miserably:] I don't know what to do.
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But before he can address that, Lalli is talking again, telling him the other things Reynir had said, and that he hadn't meant for it to be like that. An expression of naked confusion crosses Onni's face and he blinks a few times.]
We already talked about that.
[Apparently it bears repeating, because Lalli looks completely wrecked, sitting down with his hands over his face and breathing in that way, like he's crying.]
I already forgave you, Lalli. It's not...
[Halfway through trying to say 'it's not bothering me anymore,' Onni finds he can't. The fact is, he wants it to not be bothering him, and it isn't Lalli's actions that are bothering him, but he is still bothered. Still napping in the daytime and eating more than he should and waking up with tears on his face. He knows these symptoms, because they've been a constant, to varying degrees, throughout his life.]
I forgave you. I know you didn't mean it to be like that.
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cw: mild suicidal ideation
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